Some days are tough. No- most days are tough, and some are tougher. Today is tougher. I had an important appointment today (the first in many steps to get into the treatment program I need to be in), it went overwhelmingly well and yet here I am being miserable and cranky.
It’s days like today that make me want to yell in my own face; “get out of bed, stop sulking, you are making something out of literally nothing, today was a good day!” But to do that I would have to get out of bed, and we all know that just isn’t going to happen. And even if I were to make the effort to stand up, take the three steps to the mirror and yell- it wouldn’t help- because this is where the guilt spiral steps in, I feel guilty for feeling bad after a good day. I feel bad because I feel guilty. I feel guilt because I feel bad for feeling guilty. You see the problem?
It’s feelings like this that my mind tells me to run and hide from, tells me to self destruct and use all of those unhealthy coping mechanisms I’ve been unsuccessfully unlearning in five years of therapy. It’s too easy to run back to my maladaptive coping strategies at the first sign of trouble, the first sign of the guilt spiral, the smallest discomfort or strong emotion. I honestly cling so desperately to these behaviours because I’m scared to face the world without them, I’ve worn a well used path into my brain and I don’t know how to go another way without getting lost and wandering back to the original path.
I know most of you know this, even if I haven’t told you directly. And it’s making my heart race to type this because I wanted to wait until I was #recovered to write about this (being honest is hard tbh). I struggle with self harm, and I struggle pretty severely. I’m not going to go into the gory details, don’t worry. But in the name of complete honesty I’m going to tell you today has been hard. It’s hard to ignore the urges I have most days, and it’s harder after days like today. I’m safe, I am with my dogs, in my bed, and next to the person I love most in the world, but still it’s hard. (Please don’t worry about me too much, I’m getting there, slowly but surely and I try to take good care of myself.)
Anyway- It’s okay to eat cake in bed at midnight, it’s okay to admit you aren’t always okay, it’s okay to rant on your blog about how shitty your mental health is today and it’s okay to admit that your recovery is a work in progress.
Please feel free to message me if you are worried about me (especially after this post lol). Also feel free to message me if you need someone to talk too, or if you want to eat cake in bed with me because I’m always okay with cake in bed.