There is nothing scarier than looking at yourself and realising you need a major overhaul. I don’t mean looks, because this body actually serves me well and I’ve come to appreciate it- fat and all. I mean my mental health, there are certain things I need to stop doing, things I need to start doing, and things I need to recognise that I’m doing in the first place. I need to actively start trying to recover from the problems I’ve been experiencing for the majority of my life.
I’m diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which sounds scary (it’s not really, or at least doesn’t have to be). And to give you a quick overview of what that means for me I’ll list some of my relevant symptoms and behaviours in list form without going into too many details.
- I am scared of being alone, being left alone, and being abandoned.
- I have little to no idea about who I actually am.
- Impulsive, self destructive behaviours.
- Poor impulse control, particularly around spending money.
- Extreme mood swings, with little or no provocation.
- Self harm.
I struggle daily with most of these, and often do things I regret. I hurt the people who love me so that they can prove over and over again that they won’t leave. I constantly seek validation that I am good enough, bad enough, and just plain enough.
I’ve hit a particularly rough patch lately, and after facing the threat of another hospitalisation I have decided to really put my all into getting better. It’s not going to be easy, and I’m going to be a total pain in the ass while I’m settling into the changes I’m making, so I’m sorry in advance.
I want to be held accountable, and so I’m putting this out there. Change is hard, letting go of the things I’ve relied on for years is going to be hard. I’m scared of the reactions, I’m scared of confrontations. Most of all I know that I will get the support I need from the friends and family I am surrounded by, all of whom love me and want to see me succeed in life.
I hope this post doesn’t come off too whiney or like I’m making excuses for poor behaviour, because that’s not my intention. I own what I have done wrong in the past, and what I’m sure I will do wrong in the future, and I apologise to anyone for things I may have done that hurt them. Please feel free to message me if you feel I have something I need to answer for- I often lack understanding of my own actions and the effect they can have on others, and as part of learning how to change that I need to be made aware when I am doing or when I have done the wrong thing.
I’ve never made such a commitment before, and I’m excited/nervous/anxious/scared* to start this new part of my life, starting with publishing this post.