Or lack of motivation happens to be one of my biggest struggles. That might be a little dramatic, but it definitely impacts on my life in a big way. I’m sure everyone has trouble getting motivated at some point in their life so you can all probably empathise (sympathise? idk). Ironically it took me three days to start writing this.
I’m not just talking about my motivation to clean the house (which I never have), I’m talking about a profound lack of motivation that makes it incredibly hard to do anything at all with my life. If you have experienced this in any shape or form I’m truly sorry and you should come and be a couch potato for a day with me so that I am not alone in being completely and totally unproductive.
This symptom of my mental illness has me a little fucked up at the moment. It’s gotten to the point where I have dropped out of my studies because I was failing all of my classes. I feel so lazy, and so useless sometimes that it makes me very sad. I try to remind myself that I am not useless, or really that lazy (I’m pretty lazy, but it’s not always a bad thing. Self care is important!), it takes a lot of effort for me to leave the house. It takes a lot of effort for me to do simple things, and I have to work myself up to even doing small things a lot of the time. I can see how this frustrates and infuriates the people around me, the people who care about me and know that I can do better than what I am currently doing. It frustrates me too, and I want to apologise for the times I haven’t shown up, the times I haven’t kept a clean room (sorry ma and Sophia lol), and the times I just haven’t done anything at all. I want to apologise to myself for letting my education fall to the side, and for not reaching my potential.
I’m working on it, just like I’m working on a lot of things (like drinking more water, and eating breakfast). I will get there, and when I am well enough I will make one heck of a student and employee or whatever I want to be. But for now, I am one heck of a person in recovery from mental illness and that is okay.